End of the week was rough.
I gave them a quiz which several people really tanked on. (On which several people really tanked?)
I had a good-size gang staying late on Friday night (Eastside has a policy that you stay late on Friday to do any undone homework.)
And I was just exhausted by the end of the week. I went to hang out with friends on Friday night and I wound up literally lying on the floor. I finally just went home and went to bed. At 9:30 PM. On a Friday.
The following day (Saturday) I spent the day moving between couch, bed, and kitchen. I finally went out for a date in the evening. I'd told myself I'd have this industrious weekend of housework and exercise and whatnot but basically I just collapsed.
All of which scares me a bit. I have just barely started the school year (end of 2nd week) and already I am dead dead tired. Yikes.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Victories
Today was the kind of day I hoped for as a teacher. 2 conversations with different kids who seemed to have some attitude problems, got that worked out. I'd hurt the feelings of one of them, so I got to apologize. The other was frustrated with herself that she wasn't getting things better, and I encouraged her to not be so hard on herself.
Yesterday I spent a good chunk of tutorial working with one student who had generally been doing lousy. Today on a quiz he got 90%. Today I sat with several more students during tutorial and we went over old homework. I felt like I saw the light go on, they got it.
I've started using the gym at the school. For a high school gym it's reasonably well equipped. Missing a squat rack, mixed blessing. I hate squats but they are a good exercise. It's creepy being in there alone, never worked out in an empty gym before. The main downer is the men's locker room is actively nasty.
I realize I will need to stay vigilant on the issue of not worrying about stuff. The future, what next, how am I doing as a teacher, money, keeping up with tech, etc. I catch myself slipping into that more this week. Had lunch with a good friend who was very encouraging, reminding me how important it is to just enjoy this time as it is, live in the now. Good to have friends like her.
Yesterday I spent a good chunk of tutorial working with one student who had generally been doing lousy. Today on a quiz he got 90%. Today I sat with several more students during tutorial and we went over old homework. I felt like I saw the light go on, they got it.
I've started using the gym at the school. For a high school gym it's reasonably well equipped. Missing a squat rack, mixed blessing. I hate squats but they are a good exercise. It's creepy being in there alone, never worked out in an empty gym before. The main downer is the men's locker room is actively nasty.
I realize I will need to stay vigilant on the issue of not worrying about stuff. The future, what next, how am I doing as a teacher, money, keeping up with tech, etc. I catch myself slipping into that more this week. Had lunch with a good friend who was very encouraging, reminding me how important it is to just enjoy this time as it is, live in the now. Good to have friends like her.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Manic Monday
On Monday we have 10 periods, each 45 min long. That is very very short, it's hard to get anything done.
I used a break to go buy some stuff. Dark socks, dowels (to represent lines) and red pens to grade with.
Graded a homework where everyone in the class got one section wrong. I feel bad, guess I didn't teach that so well.
Tonight I went to the dowm dinner, where the dorm kids dress up and invite teachers as their guests. It was awesome, the experience I've been waiting for. To just connect with them as people, talk, eat, play games. Now more than ever I want to start an improv club.
I used a break to go buy some stuff. Dark socks, dowels (to represent lines) and red pens to grade with.
Graded a homework where everyone in the class got one section wrong. I feel bad, guess I didn't teach that so well.
Tonight I went to the dowm dinner, where the dorm kids dress up and invite teachers as their guests. It was awesome, the experience I've been waiting for. To just connect with them as people, talk, eat, play games. Now more than ever I want to start an improv club.
Friday, August 21, 2009
In deep after one week
So here I am at the end of one week. Hip deep in quizzes, homeworks, attendance, and lesson plans.
Today another math teacher sat in on my class and left me with several pages of notes. Overall she was very encouraging with lots of positive feedback and some very helpful suggestions on how to keep them more engaged, and tips on how to ask questions so that they don't check out (e.g. don't say "Joe, tell me what coplanar means", say "Who knows what coplanar means.... Joe", because the first gives all the non-Joes a cue to check out).
Some endearing moments from the day:
A student is transferring out of one of my tutorial classes (kind of like study hall), and she came to talk to me to make sure I understood it was a health issue (she wanted to take gym) and not that she didn't like me: she didn't want to hurt my feelings.
Another student made a comment today how she used to feel smart, but now at this school she feels dumb. That bothered me because she is a very sharp girl with a lot on the ball, and a leader of the class (strong character, her tone influences things). I tracked her down afterwards and told her that she's awesome and she's being too hard on herself, this is hard, she's gotta be more patient with things. I hope that registered with her.
I never realized how painful it is to grade stuff. Not the monotony (although that's bad). But watching people make stupid stupid mistakes. Like you know they know this stuff, then they get the problem wrong because they drop a minus sign or they forget to include the units (cm or whatever). Part of me wants to cut them a break and give them credit for trying, but I want to prepare them for the merciless cruel world out there, where things need to be precise, especially when it comes to math.
Today another math teacher sat in on my class and left me with several pages of notes. Overall she was very encouraging with lots of positive feedback and some very helpful suggestions on how to keep them more engaged, and tips on how to ask questions so that they don't check out (e.g. don't say "Joe, tell me what coplanar means", say "Who knows what coplanar means.... Joe", because the first gives all the non-Joes a cue to check out).
Some endearing moments from the day:
A student is transferring out of one of my tutorial classes (kind of like study hall), and she came to talk to me to make sure I understood it was a health issue (she wanted to take gym) and not that she didn't like me: she didn't want to hurt my feelings.
Another student made a comment today how she used to feel smart, but now at this school she feels dumb. That bothered me because she is a very sharp girl with a lot on the ball, and a leader of the class (strong character, her tone influences things). I tracked her down afterwards and told her that she's awesome and she's being too hard on herself, this is hard, she's gotta be more patient with things. I hope that registered with her.
I never realized how painful it is to grade stuff. Not the monotony (although that's bad). But watching people make stupid stupid mistakes. Like you know they know this stuff, then they get the problem wrong because they drop a minus sign or they forget to include the units (cm or whatever). Part of me wants to cut them a break and give them credit for trying, but I want to prepare them for the merciless cruel world out there, where things need to be precise, especially when it comes to math.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Survey Says....
I gave the kids a survey to get to know a bit about them (copied the survey from the previous teacher, thank you Dan).
Some of the answers are pretty interesting.
One question is about favorite snacks. Winner by a large margin: Hot Cheetos. I don't even know what those are. Good job to the Hot Cheetos people, you have successfully penetrated the 9th-10th grader market.
On the question "What can a teacher do to help you be more successful":
"They talk in a calm, slow voice that's strangely alive".
On the question about snacks:
"Chocolate. No Hershey's because slaves pick their coa-coa beans."
On the question "What interests do you have outside of Geometry?":
"I like playing my bass, watching tv, star gazing, and those tiny cocktail weenies."
Some of the answers are pretty interesting.
One question is about favorite snacks. Winner by a large margin: Hot Cheetos. I don't even know what those are. Good job to the Hot Cheetos people, you have successfully penetrated the 9th-10th grader market.
On the question "What can a teacher do to help you be more successful":
"They talk in a calm, slow voice that's strangely alive".
On the question about snacks:
"Chocolate. No Hershey's because slaves pick their coa-coa beans."
On the question "What interests do you have outside of Geometry?":
"I like playing my bass, watching tv, star gazing, and those tiny cocktail weenies."
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Actually teaching
Today was the first time I actually taught something (yesterday was more adminstration details and get-to-know-you games). We talked about deductive and inductive reasoning, and about points, lines, and planes.
I never realized how hard all this is. On the one hand I want to just talk to them, not read definitions and random facts. On the other hand, if I just freestyle, I am likely to miss key points that I am supposed to get across. I resorted to reading a paragraph off a page at one point, and I felt so bad afterwards, like they have got to be bored out of their minds.
I have a small iron and glass gumball machine on my desk, which I have filled with Skittles. This machine is proving to be very very popular. I think I am going to use it as bribery: you get some at the end of the class if you behave.
I gave them some surveys, general questions about life, school, etc., on the first day, and I got the first batch of those back today. My favorite was the part where I asked who they work well with and who they don't work well with (either because they talk too much or they fight or whatever). Fascinating little graph of the lives and loves of the students at Eastside.
Gave them a little 'exit slip' quiz with a few questions from the day's lesson. Looks like I need to emphasize that when you are talking about a line by naming the points on it, e..g. line AB, you need to draw the little line with two arrow heads over the letters (I don't know how to type that). Most of them didn't pick that up.
I never realized how hard all this is. On the one hand I want to just talk to them, not read definitions and random facts. On the other hand, if I just freestyle, I am likely to miss key points that I am supposed to get across. I resorted to reading a paragraph off a page at one point, and I felt so bad afterwards, like they have got to be bored out of their minds.
I have a small iron and glass gumball machine on my desk, which I have filled with Skittles. This machine is proving to be very very popular. I think I am going to use it as bribery: you get some at the end of the class if you behave.
I gave them some surveys, general questions about life, school, etc., on the first day, and I got the first batch of those back today. My favorite was the part where I asked who they work well with and who they don't work well with (either because they talk too much or they fight or whatever). Fascinating little graph of the lives and loves of the students at Eastside.
Gave them a little 'exit slip' quiz with a few questions from the day's lesson. Looks like I need to emphasize that when you are talking about a line by naming the points on it, e..g. line AB, you need to draw the little line with two arrow heads over the letters (I don't know how to type that). Most of them didn't pick that up.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Reflections on the first day
Got through the first day. Kind of.
I went in sick, conflicted about that. I don't want to infect everyone else, but I really really didn't want to miss the first day. Since all my teaching is in the AM, it worked out so I could do all of those, then leave early; the vice principal covered my last section, which is a study hall.
The kids are just great. All fun, friendly, eager to learn. This one student already has my heart: math is clearly not her natural strength, but she is so positive and determined and eager to learn. I really want her to succeed.
And I already have a quote on my quote board, from one of the students:
"Shhh. Listen to Doug"
Words to live by.
I went in sick, conflicted about that. I don't want to infect everyone else, but I really really didn't want to miss the first day. Since all my teaching is in the AM, it worked out so I could do all of those, then leave early; the vice principal covered my last section, which is a study hall.
The kids are just great. All fun, friendly, eager to learn. This one student already has my heart: math is clearly not her natural strength, but she is so positive and determined and eager to learn. I really want her to succeed.
And I already have a quote on my quote board, from one of the students:
"Shhh. Listen to Doug"
Words to live by.
Whoops
The title of the blog is incorrect. Kids here call teachers by their first names. Which seems kind of fresh to me (fresh = saucy, not cool). But I don't want to rock the boat.
Survived my first 3 periods. I am wearing a new pink shirt and anti-perspirant notwithstanding I am sweating like crazy. Which really shows up on a pink shirt.
I found out that I actually have 2 periods T-R and 4 W-F. So Tues & Thurs I have classes from 8 to 9:30 and then 3:30 to 5. I could almost get another part-time job those days. I think I will be able to spend some serious time on outside projects. We'll see.
Survived my first 3 periods. I am wearing a new pink shirt and anti-perspirant notwithstanding I am sweating like crazy. Which really shows up on a pink shirt.
I found out that I actually have 2 periods T-R and 4 W-F. So Tues & Thurs I have classes from 8 to 9:30 and then 3:30 to 5. I could almost get another part-time job those days. I think I will be able to spend some serious time on outside projects. We'll see.
Friday, August 14, 2009
A Googler no more
Had my exit interview today with Google. Turned in my laptop, badge, etc. and got a sheaf of paperwork. Also had a nice chance to vent on why I was leaving, what I didn't like, etc.
Complaining, my favorite thing.
Had my last lunch there just prior. Chicken, beef, samosas, veg stir fry, chocolate cupcakes. I will really, really miss that.
Something suddenly clicked yesterday with all the prep work. I realized I can do this. I know how to make copies, how to use the computers, the overhead projector, how to get supplies, etc. This will be ok.
Today the kids were moving into the dorms. Seems so cool, I want to move in too.
I brought some of my favorite board games to keep in my classroom (settlers, cosmic encounter). I know it's not what I'm sposed to be doing, but I'd love to teach the kids to play.
Complaining, my favorite thing.
Had my last lunch there just prior. Chicken, beef, samosas, veg stir fry, chocolate cupcakes. I will really, really miss that.
Something suddenly clicked yesterday with all the prep work. I realized I can do this. I know how to make copies, how to use the computers, the overhead projector, how to get supplies, etc. This will be ok.
Today the kids were moving into the dorms. Seems so cool, I want to move in too.
I brought some of my favorite board games to keep in my classroom (settlers, cosmic encounter). I know it's not what I'm sposed to be doing, but I'd love to teach the kids to play.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Staff Development Day 1
Today was the first day of staff development, a series of meetings with all the teachers to gear up for the school year.
I started the year off by setting off the alarm. Whoops. Good news is that led to meeting people really fast.
The other teachers are all great, very fun and likeable and helpful. Very supportive and encouraging to me.
It was funny to hear them talk and gossip about all the kids. They know who's smart, who's lazy, who's a flirt, etc.
Plenty of the 'classic me' popped up today, especially competitiveness. Teachers would speak highly of this or that other teacher and I'd feel all threatened. It seems so ridiculous when I write it down like that, but the feeling is sure strong.
Some degree of OMG when I think of all the remaining details, little things that need to be done before Monday. With a little perspective I know they will all get done and I will be fine.
I started the year off by setting off the alarm. Whoops. Good news is that led to meeting people really fast.
The other teachers are all great, very fun and likeable and helpful. Very supportive and encouraging to me.
It was funny to hear them talk and gossip about all the kids. They know who's smart, who's lazy, who's a flirt, etc.
Plenty of the 'classic me' popped up today, especially competitiveness. Teachers would speak highly of this or that other teacher and I'd feel all threatened. It seems so ridiculous when I write it down like that, but the feeling is sure strong.
Some degree of OMG when I think of all the remaining details, little things that need to be done before Monday. With a little perspective I know they will all get done and I will be fine.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Still crazy
Yesterday I went by Eastside to get my official employee packet and talk about my lesson plans, am I on the right track, etc.
Sounds like I am generally OK in terms of planning. I have lessons/handouts/etc. set up for the first two weeks. I need to do a 'grip' of photocopying on Friday but beyond that I think I am all set. I also devised a system of filtering the huge/crazy/unsorted binder into a sane/understood/manageable binder of my own. So I am not as afraid of the giant binders. Still a little afraid: they are massive, heavy, and have a terrible chemical smell.
As does my classroom.
Some emotional rollercoaster moments. Yesterday I learned that the guy I'm replacing left to go do a startup. So we're kind of switching places. He was working in Silicon Valley job, left to teach for 3 years, and now is going back to Silicon Valley job (and, if rumors are to be believed, will ultimately come back to teaching). And another math teacher teaches part time. His other job is with a VC firm.
Both of those little news items stirred up all the mess I am trying to get away from: I should be at a startup, I should be in VC, I should be the Silicon Valley captain, I should be making more money, what am I doing here, blah blah blah. It's kind of surreal having my brain in two places like this: one part deliberately trying to walk away from the "I will prove myself by being a big cheese" and the other part still totally addicted to it. I seem to flip back and forth from moment to moment, and occasionally hold both at the same time.
Another moment like this came today. It looks like the insurance at this new job won't cover my visits to my psychologist. I have been seeing this guy for 2 years, I like and trust him, and he specializes in some things that are otherwise hard to find. So I don't want to just see someone else who happens to be on the plan. Total cost to see this guy for a year: ~13K. That's about a third of my salary.
Again, the split brain. One part of me is very bothered by this, feels like I did something stupid, why did you leave a company that covered some of this for one that doesn't. And the other part of me can look at it more objectively: this is not now and never was about money. You can afford to cover this out of savings.
I am crazy urgent to just get to the part with the kids. Enough with the planning, the money, the forms, etc. I think this will all make a lot more sense once I have the names and faces of the kids I am going to work with.
I am also pretty sure I am going to start an Improv club at the school. If I have to deal with kids in a strict, do-your-work mode for most of the time, it would really help me out to have just a little time each week to play with them, to do something totally silly & fun.
Went by Nordstroms Rack & got 2 belts, 2 pairs of pants, 2 shirts, and a pair of shoes for $200. Not bad, I think.
The belt bit was kind of humorous: I had gone to the gym and forgotten to pack a belt. The jeans I packed were very baggy. Right after I went to Eastside to talk with the Vice Principal, and I only realized this was a problem once we were walking around campus: my pants would totally fall down if I did not hold them up. So I had to do this weird pants grab the whole time.
Sounds like I am generally OK in terms of planning. I have lessons/handouts/etc. set up for the first two weeks. I need to do a 'grip' of photocopying on Friday but beyond that I think I am all set. I also devised a system of filtering the huge/crazy/unsorted binder into a sane/understood/manageable binder of my own. So I am not as afraid of the giant binders. Still a little afraid: they are massive, heavy, and have a terrible chemical smell.
As does my classroom.
Some emotional rollercoaster moments. Yesterday I learned that the guy I'm replacing left to go do a startup. So we're kind of switching places. He was working in Silicon Valley job, left to teach for 3 years, and now is going back to Silicon Valley job (and, if rumors are to be believed, will ultimately come back to teaching). And another math teacher teaches part time. His other job is with a VC firm.
Both of those little news items stirred up all the mess I am trying to get away from: I should be at a startup, I should be in VC, I should be the Silicon Valley captain, I should be making more money, what am I doing here, blah blah blah. It's kind of surreal having my brain in two places like this: one part deliberately trying to walk away from the "I will prove myself by being a big cheese" and the other part still totally addicted to it. I seem to flip back and forth from moment to moment, and occasionally hold both at the same time.
Another moment like this came today. It looks like the insurance at this new job won't cover my visits to my psychologist. I have been seeing this guy for 2 years, I like and trust him, and he specializes in some things that are otherwise hard to find. So I don't want to just see someone else who happens to be on the plan. Total cost to see this guy for a year: ~13K. That's about a third of my salary.
Again, the split brain. One part of me is very bothered by this, feels like I did something stupid, why did you leave a company that covered some of this for one that doesn't. And the other part of me can look at it more objectively: this is not now and never was about money. You can afford to cover this out of savings.
I am crazy urgent to just get to the part with the kids. Enough with the planning, the money, the forms, etc. I think this will all make a lot more sense once I have the names and faces of the kids I am going to work with.
I am also pretty sure I am going to start an Improv club at the school. If I have to deal with kids in a strict, do-your-work mode for most of the time, it would really help me out to have just a little time each week to play with them, to do something totally silly & fun.
Went by Nordstroms Rack & got 2 belts, 2 pairs of pants, 2 shirts, and a pair of shoes for $200. Not bad, I think.
The belt bit was kind of humorous: I had gone to the gym and forgotten to pack a belt. The jeans I packed were very baggy. Right after I went to Eastside to talk with the Vice Principal, and I only realized this was a problem once we were walking around campus: my pants would totally fall down if I did not hold them up. So I had to do this weird pants grab the whole time.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Classroom
Today is a Saturday. The Vice Principal of the school told me I could come by today to get a look at my room and pick up some materials. The room is nice enough: the whole campus is very new. It reminds me of a JC that just got renovated or something: nice courtyard, new modern-looking buildings, etc.
The classroom is all whiteboards (I guess chalkboards have gone the way of the dodo?).
I got a binder compiled by the former teacher (evidently also a guy who left engineering to teach). It is this huge white beast, reminds me of a phone book. It's packed with lesson plans, overheads, handouts, notes, etc. And this is just one of what looked to be ~12 binders covering the entire year's curriculum.
I looked through the thing and started freaking out a bit. I didn't know if I'm supposed to make my own personalized copy of all this stuff, or just use it as is, or what. Also, the organization is somewhat haphazard: the lesson plans refer to this handout or that overhead, but it's hard to tell exactly which one it means. And for each document there seem to be several copies: one on transparency sheet, one on paper all marked up & scribbled on, and one on paper that's blank. Or multiple editions of the same document. Sometimes scattered around or intermingled with each other. Sometimes before the lesson plan that refers to it, sometimes after, sometimes both.
I sent a panic email to the VP right as she emailed me asking if I had any questions.
Um, yes.
We spoke on the phone and that helped a bit. Bottom line: don't worry about writing a new copy of anything. I should be able to get a soft copy of most things which I can then edit for names/dates/other stuff that doesn't apply. There's no shame in using the homework, overheads, and handouts from last year, especially as I am new to all this. I should just focus on getting my mind around the contents of each day: what are we trying to teach, how do I explain it, what resources in the binder can I use, etc.
Feels a little more approachable.
I noticed there's a Nordstrom's Rack now in East Palo Alto (yahoo!) so I went over there to look for appropriate teacher clothes. In particular I need more non-T-shirt shirts, more non-jeans-or-shorts-pants, and some non-sneaker shoes that don't make me insane by the end of the day (good luck on that last one). Here's what I learned: Nordstrom's Rack offers clothes at a discount from Nordstroms, but not discount clothes. I tried on one nice Armani shirt. Mmm, how much is this. 195. That must be the original price, what's the markdown? Double check, nope, 195 is the markdown from 600 something. I'm sorry, but 600 for a shirt? I'm just going to get mustard on it anyway. For 600 dollars it should like give me a back rub while I'm wearing it or something.
I bought no clothes.
I also experimented with washing my nice dress shirts, which are supposed to be wrinkle-proof. Normally I send them to the cleaners but if I have to wear them all the time that will get expensive. They are not wrinkle-proof. They are wrinkle-prone. They are firmly entrenched in the camp of wrinkliness.
The classroom is all whiteboards (I guess chalkboards have gone the way of the dodo?).
I got a binder compiled by the former teacher (evidently also a guy who left engineering to teach). It is this huge white beast, reminds me of a phone book. It's packed with lesson plans, overheads, handouts, notes, etc. And this is just one of what looked to be ~12 binders covering the entire year's curriculum.
I looked through the thing and started freaking out a bit. I didn't know if I'm supposed to make my own personalized copy of all this stuff, or just use it as is, or what. Also, the organization is somewhat haphazard: the lesson plans refer to this handout or that overhead, but it's hard to tell exactly which one it means. And for each document there seem to be several copies: one on transparency sheet, one on paper all marked up & scribbled on, and one on paper that's blank. Or multiple editions of the same document. Sometimes scattered around or intermingled with each other. Sometimes before the lesson plan that refers to it, sometimes after, sometimes both.
I sent a panic email to the VP right as she emailed me asking if I had any questions.
Um, yes.
We spoke on the phone and that helped a bit. Bottom line: don't worry about writing a new copy of anything. I should be able to get a soft copy of most things which I can then edit for names/dates/other stuff that doesn't apply. There's no shame in using the homework, overheads, and handouts from last year, especially as I am new to all this. I should just focus on getting my mind around the contents of each day: what are we trying to teach, how do I explain it, what resources in the binder can I use, etc.
Feels a little more approachable.
I noticed there's a Nordstrom's Rack now in East Palo Alto (yahoo!) so I went over there to look for appropriate teacher clothes. In particular I need more non-T-shirt shirts, more non-jeans-or-shorts-pants, and some non-sneaker shoes that don't make me insane by the end of the day (good luck on that last one). Here's what I learned: Nordstrom's Rack offers clothes at a discount from Nordstroms, but not discount clothes. I tried on one nice Armani shirt. Mmm, how much is this. 195. That must be the original price, what's the markdown? Double check, nope, 195 is the markdown from 600 something. I'm sorry, but 600 for a shirt? I'm just going to get mustard on it anyway. For 600 dollars it should like give me a back rub while I'm wearing it or something.
I bought no clothes.
I also experimented with washing my nice dress shirts, which are supposed to be wrinkle-proof. Normally I send them to the cleaners but if I have to wear them all the time that will get expensive. They are not wrinkle-proof. They are wrinkle-prone. They are firmly entrenched in the camp of wrinkliness.
Friday, August 7, 2009
A fine final day
Today was my last day at Google.
Up late, exercise, work. Ate breakfast at work while reading Ecclesiastes (took my own advice). Eggs, bagels, bacon. It occurred to me that bagels & bacon might somehow be contrary to the spirit and tradition of bagels, what with the kosher thing and all, but it's delicious so too bad.
Did about an hour of random email, tried to start a new project (moving text from code to a dictionary so it can be internationalized, every bit as exciting as it sounds). Went for a run/prayer, that was very nice. I remember when I interviewed at Google taking a walk on the hills overlooking the campus and praying that I'd get a job there. Felt strange to run over those same hills 5 years later thinking of everything that has happened since.
Lunch with non-Google friends. I warned them that the orange salsa is very very hot, not to be trifled with. They did not listen. It is a cruel, slow-moving burn, and you only really get the worst of it once it's safely in your belly. But I got karmic payback: a few minutes after laughing at them I somehow got a stray pepper from otherwise mild salsa and just about cried.
In the afternoon I actually did a complete little mini-project, soup to nuts. I was showing a fellow who will be taking over for me some of the code. We added a button to dump the contents of some web page to a csv file, wrote tests for it, etc. So it wasn't an entirely boondoggly last day.
Finally met with some friends at a local bar called the Sports Page. They should call it the "I Quit Google" bar because the only time I hear of people going there is when they quit Google and invite friends there for a farewell.
I generally got a lot of love today: people coming out to the bar (many from my former team, the Book Search Posse, a fine fine group), gifts (several chocolate bars, two bound with a ribbon of paper clips, "because you'll need office supplies"), and some really nice encouraging emails. For example:
Up late, exercise, work. Ate breakfast at work while reading Ecclesiastes (took my own advice). Eggs, bagels, bacon. It occurred to me that bagels & bacon might somehow be contrary to the spirit and tradition of bagels, what with the kosher thing and all, but it's delicious so too bad.
Did about an hour of random email, tried to start a new project (moving text from code to a dictionary so it can be internationalized, every bit as exciting as it sounds). Went for a run/prayer, that was very nice. I remember when I interviewed at Google taking a walk on the hills overlooking the campus and praying that I'd get a job there. Felt strange to run over those same hills 5 years later thinking of everything that has happened since.
Lunch with non-Google friends. I warned them that the orange salsa is very very hot, not to be trifled with. They did not listen. It is a cruel, slow-moving burn, and you only really get the worst of it once it's safely in your belly. But I got karmic payback: a few minutes after laughing at them I somehow got a stray pepper from otherwise mild salsa and just about cried.
In the afternoon I actually did a complete little mini-project, soup to nuts. I was showing a fellow who will be taking over for me some of the code. We added a button to dump the contents of some web page to a csv file, wrote tests for it, etc. So it wasn't an entirely boondoggly last day.
Finally met with some friends at a local bar called the Sports Page. They should call it the "I Quit Google" bar because the only time I hear of people going there is when they quit Google and invite friends there for a farewell.
I generally got a lot of love today: people coming out to the bar (many from my former team, the Book Search Posse, a fine fine group), gifts (several chocolate bars, two bound with a ribbon of paper clips, "because you'll need office supplies"), and some really nice encouraging emails. For example:
"Anyone who leaves the lucrative high-tech industry to go into teaching has my respect. But someone who leaves a job at Google to teach underprivileged kids has my supreme admiration."In general, people have been so cool about this. Parents, bosses, co-workers, financial advisors, friends, all are giving me a big thumbs up. Which really means a lot to me. Go, team!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
So hard to say goodbye to yesterday
So today was the penultimate day at Google.
I just said 'penultimate'.
Before work I went by S & S (financial advisors) to talk about the financial impact of this change. We pulled the past few months of bank statements into Quicken and took a look at where the money has been going.
Quick side note: if you've never done this, it's a fascinating and humbling exercise. Get a bank check card, use it for all your purchases for a few months. Then hit the intuit site and get Quicken connected to your bank account (I always assumed that this cost something, but it's free). Quicken can detect the type of purchase for most things and you get this pie graph of of your expenses by category.
Anyway, the bottom line of the S & S meeting was "you will need to draw on savings and/or cut your expenses." Already in the works: cancel gym membership ($55/month), raise rent for all of my room-mates (extra $150/month), and rescale charitable contributions (10 percent of new salary is much less than 10 percent of old salary).
Work was pleasant. Played my last game of sand volleyball (played tolerable, many shanked passes). Did a bit of actual engineering work. Went to my last team meeting, they had a nice cake and card for me.
But overall I found myself feeling really sad at work. It took a while to sort out what it was. It's realizing that I don't matter. Monday people will get up and go to work at Google and do their thing and their lives will go on and I won't be there. You want to think you're important, you're needed, etc., but as I hand over the knowledge about my projects and watch my tasks get re-assigned to other people, I realize life will go on. Life at Google will go on without me, the world doesn't grind to a halt because I'm not there.
I know this shouldn't be news, but I am a ridiculously selfish person so this is kind of freaking me out.
Reminds me of my favorite book in the Bible, Ecclesiastes (an excellent read, even if your are not religious - *especially* if you are not religious). It's a rumination on all this: we keep busy with our little projects and they fill our time, but ultimately it's all meaningless, "a chasing after the wind". Trying to find meaning in life through work is a fool's game.
I had dinner with some friends and we got to talking about all this. One expressed how he was totally happy at Google, liked the perks, liked the work, not going anywhere. And I found myself feeling envious of him. I want to be content. I have all this great stuff at Google and I can't enjoy it because I want more, I need what that guy has, I need my job to make me feel important (Ecclesiastes also has a lot to say about envy as a motivator).
Which brought me back to why I am doing this: to change my attitude about work. Maybe I can starve the greed/envy/competition motivation long enough to get in touch with other, better values.
In other less philosophical news: I found out my schedule today. I will have classes most of the day on Monday. Tues and Thurs I teach a class 8-9:30 and another 11:20 - 12:50, then tutoring 3:30 - 5. Weds and Fri it's 8 to 9:30 and 9:45 to 11:15, and again tutoring 3:30 -5:00.
The principal gave me this info a phone message, which I found very funny somehow. At Google nobody, NOBODY, communicates using phone messages. One guy's entire voicemail message is a spiel explaining he will never, ever, ever listen to the message you are leaving.
I just said 'penultimate'.
Before work I went by S & S (financial advisors) to talk about the financial impact of this change. We pulled the past few months of bank statements into Quicken and took a look at where the money has been going.
Quick side note: if you've never done this, it's a fascinating and humbling exercise. Get a bank check card, use it for all your purchases for a few months. Then hit the intuit site and get Quicken connected to your bank account (I always assumed that this cost something, but it's free). Quicken can detect the type of purchase for most things and you get this pie graph of of your expenses by category.
Anyway, the bottom line of the S & S meeting was "you will need to draw on savings and/or cut your expenses." Already in the works: cancel gym membership ($55/month), raise rent for all of my room-mates (extra $150/month), and rescale charitable contributions (10 percent of new salary is much less than 10 percent of old salary).
Work was pleasant. Played my last game of sand volleyball (played tolerable, many shanked passes). Did a bit of actual engineering work. Went to my last team meeting, they had a nice cake and card for me.
But overall I found myself feeling really sad at work. It took a while to sort out what it was. It's realizing that I don't matter. Monday people will get up and go to work at Google and do their thing and their lives will go on and I won't be there. You want to think you're important, you're needed, etc., but as I hand over the knowledge about my projects and watch my tasks get re-assigned to other people, I realize life will go on. Life at Google will go on without me, the world doesn't grind to a halt because I'm not there.
I know this shouldn't be news, but I am a ridiculously selfish person so this is kind of freaking me out.
Reminds me of my favorite book in the Bible, Ecclesiastes (an excellent read, even if your are not religious - *especially* if you are not religious). It's a rumination on all this: we keep busy with our little projects and they fill our time, but ultimately it's all meaningless, "a chasing after the wind". Trying to find meaning in life through work is a fool's game.
I had dinner with some friends and we got to talking about all this. One expressed how he was totally happy at Google, liked the perks, liked the work, not going anywhere. And I found myself feeling envious of him. I want to be content. I have all this great stuff at Google and I can't enjoy it because I want more, I need what that guy has, I need my job to make me feel important (Ecclesiastes also has a lot to say about envy as a motivator).
Which brought me back to why I am doing this: to change my attitude about work. Maybe I can starve the greed/envy/competition motivation long enough to get in touch with other, better values.
In other less philosophical news: I found out my schedule today. I will have classes most of the day on Monday. Tues and Thurs I teach a class 8-9:30 and another 11:20 - 12:50, then tutoring 3:30 - 5. Weds and Fri it's 8 to 9:30 and 9:45 to 11:15, and again tutoring 3:30 -5:00.
The principal gave me this info a phone message, which I found very funny somehow. At Google nobody, NOBODY, communicates using phone messages. One guy's entire voicemail message is a spiel explaining he will never, ever, ever listen to the message you are leaving.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
It begins
Yesterday, after five and a half years at Google and 14 years as a software engineer, I accepted an offer to teach math (geometry) at Eastside Academy in East Palo Alto.
This is probably one of the craziest things I have ever done.
My schedule goes from the casual, show-up-whenever hours of a programmer to the mandatory 8-5 hours at Eastside. I have not had to be at something at 8 PM since I was in high school myself.
My salary drops by more than half.
I have to go buy a new wardrobe of button down shirts, slacks, and dress shoes to replace the t-shirts, jeans, and shorts I've been sporting at work the past few years.
And it's farewell to the various and sundry Google perks: free gourmet meals, bi-weekly volleyball, free drinks, on-site massage, on-site haircuts, on-site dry cleaning.
WHAT AM I THINKING?
The very very short version: at 37 I have a lot of regret about the way I've lived my life. I have lived my life to make other people happy, to earn or deserve love. In that position there's no 'me', no person who has feelings or choices.
That mindset has definitely shaped my career. So recently I found myself sitting with my tech lead hearing about how I was not going to be getting a promotion any time soon, and I just got mad. I started a job search with a kind of petty "Ha ha I'll show you sucker" attitude. But over time, with a lot of conversations and prayers, I realized a few things:
But I settled on teaching.
I've always had a knack for working with kids, and many friends have told me I'd be a great teacher (the guy who ultimately convinced me to pursue teaching right now had always told me I should be the guy who goes to kids' birthday parties and gets them to sing songs. I am not doing that. Yet.)
And when I went looking for teaching positions, Eastside just jumped out at me as the perfect position. The need a math teacher (my undergrad was in math). They need a drama department (I love performing). They need a computer science department (14 years as a programmer, connections all over Silicon Valley). The school serves the unprivileged kids of East Palo Alto, most coming from families where no one has been to college. According to the website, they have placed 100% of their graduates in college.
So I talked to the good people of Eastside, and they decided to give me a shot.
I will spend the rest of this week wrapping things up at Google. All of next week learning to be a teacher (I have taught Sunday School and worked at camps but I have never taught professionally). And I have my first class Aug 17th.
Hooray.
And Yikes.
This is probably one of the craziest things I have ever done.
My schedule goes from the casual, show-up-whenever hours of a programmer to the mandatory 8-5 hours at Eastside. I have not had to be at something at 8 PM since I was in high school myself.
My salary drops by more than half.
I have to go buy a new wardrobe of button down shirts, slacks, and dress shoes to replace the t-shirts, jeans, and shorts I've been sporting at work the past few years.
And it's farewell to the various and sundry Google perks: free gourmet meals, bi-weekly volleyball, free drinks, on-site massage, on-site haircuts, on-site dry cleaning.
WHAT AM I THINKING?
The very very short version: at 37 I have a lot of regret about the way I've lived my life. I have lived my life to make other people happy, to earn or deserve love. In that position there's no 'me', no person who has feelings or choices.
That mindset has definitely shaped my career. So recently I found myself sitting with my tech lead hearing about how I was not going to be getting a promotion any time soon, and I just got mad. I started a job search with a kind of petty "Ha ha I'll show you sucker" attitude. But over time, with a lot of conversations and prayers, I realized a few things:
- After 5 years at Google I can afford to take some time to do whatever I want.
- I went into engineering just because it was safe, but I never really asked myself "What do you want to do?"
- I am not unhappy in engineering because I don't like engineering. I am unhappy in my job, and will be unhappy in any job, because I approach it as "This is a game, money is the score, and I need to win."
- The people whom I envy/admire for going and starting companies and making truckloads of dough are, by and large, not driven by a desire to make money. They are doing what they enjoy, and the money follows. This allows them to take risks, and to fail, and keep going.
But I settled on teaching.
I've always had a knack for working with kids, and many friends have told me I'd be a great teacher (the guy who ultimately convinced me to pursue teaching right now had always told me I should be the guy who goes to kids' birthday parties and gets them to sing songs. I am not doing that. Yet.)
And when I went looking for teaching positions, Eastside just jumped out at me as the perfect position. The need a math teacher (my undergrad was in math). They need a drama department (I love performing). They need a computer science department (14 years as a programmer, connections all over Silicon Valley). The school serves the unprivileged kids of East Palo Alto, most coming from families where no one has been to college. According to the website, they have placed 100% of their graduates in college.
So I talked to the good people of Eastside, and they decided to give me a shot.
I will spend the rest of this week wrapping things up at Google. All of next week learning to be a teacher (I have taught Sunday School and worked at camps but I have never taught professionally). And I have my first class Aug 17th.
Hooray.
And Yikes.
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